The world i want to live in.

The world i want to live in is whereby everyone can be happy. Even if i cant find my own reason to live as long the people around me are happy i will be happy too. Its because of the people i met have thought me alot of things and make me happy makes me thankful of the world i live in. Thats why i must repay them by making people around me happy too .Afterall that's what hero do , thats why im living in this world , reality may be dull and boring with people that are horrible but there are others who are trying so hard to live in this world and suffered more then i do. I must not give up on life and keep moving forward. mhmm i shall do it.

Lets give it my all

Currently remaking my blog ( ・ω・) , hah i guess i found the mood to blog and its actually good to reflect , it makes you feel better , guess i will try this everyday from now on ! . Well recently im been busy with school trying to complete my FYP (Final year project) which is due next friday. And if its go smoothly i will start my 15 weeks intership. Hopefully my group will be able to finish it without extending the dateline. My group is awesome by the way （＾ｖ＾）, its the first time of my 3 years in poly im able to be in a group whereby i can be myself and be close with them, so im quite happy to be group mates with them. Though to be honest our progress isnt going so well since our programming is bad ( ≧Д≦) ...but nevertheless we are still trying our best to finish it in time. Ganbatte to us ＼(｀0´)／ . Besides that i have a medical check up 2morw for NS . Not really looking forward towards it  (ToT).. sighhhh  well i just have to give it my all , to be honest im afraid of entering NS(ーー;). But of course i wont run and face it and give every day my all. Thats all for today. Gonna fill this post of misaka and touma from sister arc （＾ｖ＾）  its my favourate arc : DDDDDD (note spoilers from to aru kagaku no railgun S) 

venting venting

Its 4am now and i have school later at 2pm. I wanted to sleep after watching k-on.. but i guess i feel very insecured right now. Im just to going to write what i feel without caring whether it make sense since i feel dizzy.... Somehow i managed to survive school and its my final year. The term started out with a better timetable then what i expected, as i only have 1 module this term. But its too early to underestimate it .

Time sure pass fast . And being older doesnt make me happy at all. Im expected to be an adult and think like one now, but i think im not acting how my age is supposed to be. I lost my close friends 2 years ago and nowadays i have no one to vent to except my own blog. Compared to the past i was happy and even though i do alot of things that im embarrased of, it was fun.

Nowadays i hardly get any sleep and there are days whereby i totally sacrifice my sleep time. And like today... i dun even feel like sleeping at all. What happened to me, why am i depressed most of the time even though im used to it. I hate to go to school , because of the dragged feeling of being alone. Im supposed to be a proud introvert.

I just wanted to be happy, i wanted close friends that i can count on. I want to do stuff together like those in shows and etc. But yet , yet.. i wasnt able to find anyone that i can talk to easily.Even though i have friends to go out with, they are mostly superficial . All we do is just play card games or talk about anime. I havent met anyone like the friends i had 2 years ago.I dunno how long i can do this, or how long i can take it. The feeling of being alone sucks. I feel as if im muted.

People can interact easily with others but not me. I have trust issues, i used to get bullied alot in school when i was younger. I may be irritating in the past , but its not as if i was mean to anyone. The more i think about reality , it just scares me which make me want to avoid people at all cost. I know it contradicts to what i want and i need to talk to people if i want to find friends. Close friends are the hardest to find and the only way to find one if i socialize more. 

However its not as if i dun want to change... im willing to change and take up new things... i can get engrossed into things easily... but theres no one to show me the way or guide me. ... i guess i can only rely on my own

The pain in my heart.

i always wondered to myself. Why am i born in this world , afterall.. i been nothing but trouble and cause people to be hurt and get hatted in the end. My friends who have left me called me a selfish person . Because of the damage i caused. So many people. One by one left me. No matter how much i try my best to tolerate and tell myself never be angry i couldnt control myself in the end. Its been almost a year now . I been living alone although i somehow manage to live through it the pain wont stop in me . The worse thing is i have realised that my family who i hold dearest to me are suffering in pain because of me too . A few days ago , mum had lunch with me and was shocked when she apologised to me because in the past they pressured me . I almost felt like crying when mum told me that and barely hold up my tears. Because , i feel that im the one at fault. Because i was weak and the fact that i couldnt hold up to their expectations. Yet , she still insisted that they are at fault. I blame myself . No in fact hate myself. Because i brought nothing but unnecessary hurt to alot people. I really didnt mean it , the hurt i cause to others. I really want to die . But i also cant die . Because killing myself will bring even more hurt to my family. I feel like im trapped like a mouse in its cage to force to live in this world. If i have one wish , my wish will be that i want the people around me to be happy at the same time I want affection(although i know its selfish for me  to think of this) . I dun want to be alone , but i have to face reality. No matter what i cant have any more people close to me . I cant have any more people being hurt by me. Therefore , i need to learn to be stronger and learn to live alone.And what i really need .. is for me to become stronger.

its been awhile since i last blog . I finally vented out everything to someone online and feel so much better now. i been alone and been crying and taking all the pain to myself.. because i dun want to be a burden to anyone. To be honest i feel lonely sad hurt.. sorry if i sound like i pitying myself but i cant help it. Its seems that what i normally say hurts people and i did it without knowing.. to everyone out there who knows me thanks for being a part of my life . i really apologize to everyone because i know i have hurt u one way or another . But i will be stronger and a nicer person from now on.. i aim to change to be a better person so that i wont hurt anyone.. so i guess is best i learn how to adapt being alone

my life

its been 6 months ever since september . I have started to contact people much lesser now . And been living life on my own . i hardly step out of the house and i been bearing alot of pain on my own for this much now. Whenever i think of what happened in the past , i start to be out of control and will burst into tears. But im better and holding it now. Because even if i burst out on my fb wall or vent on someone . It wont help me much . It will just make people think im a attention seeker and a burden to others. Im sure there are others in this world who are alone but if they can live through life so can i . I will change and will become stronger , i wont let this affect me anymore. The reason i still living is to live on for my family and ensuring that they will continue to have a stable life . I wont be selfish to take my life away. No matter what i will be strong. I wont give in to my depression i am facing.

back

its been quite a long  time since i last posted on my blog. I want to fill this blog with memories so that i can always look at the happy times whenever im down to remind myself how much i change and the good times i had. Im having my holidays now , with nothing much to do the first week except for today . Been playing dota watching anime the standard stuff at home . Alot of thoughts ran into my mind , negative thoughts . Firstly  school problems whereby lots of people just hate me and toss me aside. Although im finally away from there i feel very unwanted and insecured whenever i stepped into school . No one realize how much i been through , before i stepped into poly i had this goal to have a close friend where i can count on and etc, however till now i havent found someone in school that i can trust . I didnt wanted to be hated or left out like in secondary school , but ended up its the same like last year though its not as bad. I wondered to myself have i changed ? or am i still the same person ? . My wish is to be accepted by people in this world . I know i made mistakes in the past , sometimes i say things without knowing , sometimes im arrogant .. i wish people approach me and not just ignore me and walk away whenever i did sometimes or say something wrong . Today was a great day , i went to work at a event as a zombie with clement and jonathan , having fun and laughter while working , i didn even realize i was working .We had to pull their life force tag from runners and be scary as possible . It was really fun . I loved today for the past few weeks for emoing .