The pain in my heart.

i always wondered to myself. Why am i born in this world , afterall.. i been nothing but trouble and cause people to be hurt and get hatted in the end. My friends who have left me called me a selfish person . Because of the damage i caused. So many people. One by one left me. No matter how much i try my best to tolerate and tell myself never be angry i couldnt control myself in the end. Its been almost a year now . I been living alone although i somehow manage to live through it the pain wont stop in me . The worse thing is i have realised that my family who i hold dearest to me are suffering in pain because of me too . A few days ago , mum had lunch with me and was shocked when she apologised to me because in the past they pressured me . I almost felt like crying when mum told me that and barely hold up my tears. Because , i feel that im the one at fault. Because i was weak and the fact that i couldnt hold up to their expectations. Yet , she still insisted that they are at fault. I blame myself . No in fact hate myself. Because i brought nothing but unnecessary hurt to alot people. I really didnt mean it , the hurt i cause to others. I really want to die . But i also cant die . Because killing myself will bring even more hurt to my family. I feel like im trapped like a mouse in its cage to force to live in this world. If i have one wish , my wish will be that i want the people around me to be happy at the same time I want affection(although i know its selfish for me  to think of this) . I dun want to be alone , but i have to face reality. No matter what i cant have any more people close to me . I cant have any more people being hurt by me. Therefore , i need to learn to be stronger and learn to live alone.And what i really need .. is for me to become stronger.

its been awhile since i last blog . I finally vented out everything to someone online and feel so much better now. i been alone and been crying and taking all the pain to myself.. because i dun want to be a burden to anyone. To be honest i feel lonely sad hurt.. sorry if i sound like i pitying myself but i cant help it. Its seems that what i normally say hurts people and i did it without knowing.. to everyone out there who knows me thanks for being a part of my life . i really apologize to everyone because i know i have hurt u one way or another . But i will be stronger and a nicer person from now on.. i aim to change to be a better person so that i wont hurt anyone.. so i guess is best i learn how to adapt being alone