I wish I could die without hurting people

I feel useless I can't do much to help out . i always ended up being silent to most people and I'm not sure why. there are people who look down on me saying I'm immature and all. I'm stubborn because I'm tired of people helping me all the time I want to find my own way without any help but end up people dun see my views most of the time. i skate to vent emotions but end up I get more sad most of the time because of my slow learning and not having talent. I cook to try to push my emotions away and to spend time with mum but I feel that I'm giving her more work. I used to study so that I could encourage ppl that studying isn't really that hard and do that I could help them as well... but end up the Friends I love most are gone. the girl I used to fancy alot ended up making both of us feel hurt. I hate my life and the worse is to go thru my disability I want to die but I dun want to hurt my parents... they did so much for me I dun think they can take the pain if I'm gone... I love
my parents even though they go overboard sometimes .. they do it for me . I wish I can die and everyone who know me will forget me when I die so that no one will get hurt. I wish I could lead a carefree life... I wish ppl will apprciate me more and not someone invisible . I know the world is unfair ... I have no choice but to live.. I can't leave my brother alone cuz he isn't studying hard enuf so as my sister and in the future my autistic brother will need a place of living and mum and dad can't support him forever. this is how I feel about myself... my true wish is to make everyone happy no matter how much I have to go thru I really dun care about my own life... as long I can see everyone smiling and laughing. the thing I'm sad the most is .... Alicia I'm sorry even though u said Its not my fault that u failed I still feel it's my fault. I tried to help u.... u ended up failing with that one point,. maybe If u do not know me u will pass... and u won't have to repeat ... I know u are more cheerful and happy in this class. but I dun want u to waste ur time in sec skool... u should pursue and aim higher u are actually quite smart.. u could top the skool..... and not be last . u always said In the past that u do not want to hurt me but I think I'm the one that is hurting u.... I'm sorry Dexter I guess u are more suitable for alicia and not me... I'm not worth it I throw temper and my tone like what u said. I cause u pain and all I made u jealous and sad becuz I talk to alicia alot . I hate myself HATE IT

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPod touch]